Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
