Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
