We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
