I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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