Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
