Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
