thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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