My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
