I think my fart just growled at me.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
