The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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