If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
