If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
