Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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