I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think people are normalizing furries
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
