I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
