someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
