I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
