i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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