Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
