Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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