We named our party play list daddy issues
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
