I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
