you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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