I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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