Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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