Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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