i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
