I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
