you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
True strength comes from lack of pants
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
