He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
