when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
