The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Randomize
