Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
