Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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