After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
