A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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