I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
