i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
