Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
