I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
