Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You are the jesus of drinking
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
