he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
