Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
