You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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