so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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