I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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