I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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