cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Randomize
