Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
