i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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