i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
