I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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