i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
