Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My feet surprised me
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